The Kairos experience was great one for our twinnie girls, but like all things it does not last. We as human beings can only retain that euphoria before we come back to earth with a thud. And last night that is what happened.
The girls were very close as young children but as they grew older their personalities and coping measures truly showed just how different the girls were, more like oil and water than twin sisters.
Our eldest twin has trouble with deep emotions and is a perfectionist, while her twin has a great deal of social unawareness and when pushed into a corner emotionally will shut down completely and refuses to speak. During Kairos the girls made a promise to “live out the fourth” by trying to become “sisters” again and work on their relationship…something we have been trying to do for years. I have no idea if it both were having bad days or our youngest just wanted to get under our eldest’s skin but last night was a doozy. Remotes went flying, words were said, yelling was heard, and it left a hole in my heart.
When I became a mom I swore I would not be like my mother, I wanted to be prefect for my kids, boy there is a goal for you! No one can be prefect for their kids and we all make mistakes, sometimes huge ones, but that is the nature of being human: making mistakes. Our eldest twin has such trouble with powerful emotions and people not doing what she wants that she resorts to self harm, because of a commitment to herself and the work we have done she tries very hard not to rely on that coping mechanism; she will come down to talk or dance in her room, paint her nails, talk to friends on the phone…anything to not do her self harm.
Last night she did all of that, and I couldn’t be prouder, but unlike her dad who knows how to talk to her, really he studied her, learned her emotional verbal and facial triggers and puts his years of managerial experience to bare, (much of what my hubby does is so similar to what her therapist does its uncanny), that he is the best sounding broad for our eldest girl. In the beginning I was not her best listener, I showed emotion, which was something I always thought the children should see…no, no, no,no; the kids aren’t interested in your emotions they want strength..mybad. As our talk progressed I became the listener she needed: someone who our eldest twinnie felt safe blowing off steam and just let her vent. She wasn’t looking for someone to fix it, she was looking for someone to just let her talk out her feelings with no judgement. If I had not changed my state our eldest would be dealing with her need to “be there for mom”, very bad, she needs to be learning how to deal with her emotions, become the strong woman God calls her to be,
I began to think about all that: the wanting to talk to someone without judgement and it hit me like a ton of bricks: God!
If we believe that God is our Father than he is our parent, divine parent, but here is the rub; depending on how your parents treated you that is how you see God treating you, and in turn how you treat your children is how they will see God! ACK! Last night was the first time in a long time that I felt a connection to God. As I sat there I realized that how much of what our eldest needed from me was the face of the Divine to be reflected to her, and my face was filled with too much fear. It was so important to change my attitude so that our eldest could also change, giving her the strength to change her emotional state. For the first time in a very long time I understood how connected we were to each other, if I continued in the state of fear and sadness that was the energy that I was giving my child. From God we get our emotional state, 2 Tim 1:7: For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. It was clear to me, in a moment, that I was being timid, that I was not being self-disciplined so I could not receive the power God has for me.
That was the first time that I felt God in my life.