In the attempt to push myself out of my emotional/spiritual comfort zone, I am forcing myself to wait with patience which for me means without irritation. This morning I failed miserable. First thing off the bat I saw a small group of three waiting and my first thought: “Oh Lord, it’s 7 am, how early do I have to come to be first!”
As soon as that statement left my mind I was condemned. Being first is the most important thing in my life!
What is it about being first that is so attractive? Is it the feeling of importance, or let’s be brutally real and admit that there is a feeling of superitority.
Ouch. That shames me! Why do I believe I should be better than others. This feeling feeds into my difficulty seeing that God loves them all. I want Him to only love me, like a spoiled child, a pampered puppy.
Releasing this has been a life long struggle. These feelings come from deep seeded needs. Looking at the motivation of the feelings helps me discern what it is I am being called to heal. For me, it’s feelings of not being recognized as a person. Being simultaneously asked to be invisible while also beinf the one and only for someone very needy. Confusing, painful, and angering all at the same time. I want some justice. I want you to see ME for WHO iam; not who you want me to be. I want to be so anger. These are statements that roar through my soul when I am impatient.
I have look at how God wants me to show myself to the world to combat these feelings. He wants me to be confident not hide myself, my talents, my gifts; on the other hand I must fight being pushy. It’s the call to fight the yin yang of being ignored and smothered and consequences of being demanding and pushy while feeling unworthy and small. God is calling for a powerful balance.