“Work out your salvation with fear and trembling.” (Philippians 2:12)
When I read this reading I cannot get past the fear and trembling part. I don’t want to have fear of my God and I don’t want to tremble.
Far too often this passage is somehow turned by more fundamental Christians; for them being in fear of God on a daily basis is the proper way to be. I am thinking of the Westboro Baptist Church whose idea of God many of us would find foreign.
I spent so many years in fear and trembling that the thought that I must now be that way with God fills me with anger. Yes I said anger. It angers me that God is used to instill fear into people. It angers me that God is used as an excuse for revenge. It angers me that God can be seen by others to be so petty.
Which brings me to my own troubles with some Catholic prayers. I don’t know how many Catholic prayers there are that have the sentiment of being unworthy but there are quite a few; the one just before communion is one I have such a hard time saying I don’t say it out loud.
You might ask why do those prayers bother me. During my childhood I would grovel for my mother’s affection and tremble at my father’s drunken outbursts so to think that NOW God wants me to gravel/tremble; when all I want is to be good enough; will I ever be able to consider myself worthy of anything if even God doesn’t want me, just fills me with such sorrow I can’t stand!